The Secrets in the Telling
by CapriciousRogue
Summary: 17 year old Takao is undergoing trauma after being sexually assaulted. Realizing the sudden change of personality and behavior, Kai and Yuri attempts to understand and help Takao whichever way they can. KaixTakao, KaixYuri
1. Chapter 1

**The Secrets in the Telling**

"We're trying the best we can to help you when you can't even save yourself and yet you are trying to dismiss us. You really are asking for ass-whoopin' arencha?"

  


**Chapter 1**

Trembling I write my dream,and recollect

A fearful vision at the midnight hour;

So late, Death o'er me spread his sable wings,

Painted with fancies of malignant power!

-Philip Freneau,

_ The House of Night_

"_Dear Kai,_

_ Something bad happened._

_I'm sorry I've become a burden._

_I'll try to do better._

_-Takao"_

I was scrutinizing the letter, uncertain of the wording and in what to change. The ticking of the clock made me impatient and reading seemed arduous. It felt empty when I read the note to myself. There were few things I wanted written down, since, I am assuming, revealing such confidentially would leave him bewildered, thus disapproving anything happening. So I kept safe, again assuming that he would catch on by the little words in my note that something was, in fact, going disarray .

I hoped for a moment he would understand completely; that he had already known and was fine with it. And that it didn't matter because it wasn't my fault. I felt the need for reassurance.

Eventually, I crumpled and threw it out in my over-flowing trash bin of other rejects. I sat there and wondered of reasons why It had happened. I never knew it was possible for It to happen to guys, so I never suspected of It happening to me. And so, I am still somewhat in denial of It ever occurring

Questions of concern have been reached out to me after people started noticing what they claim to be mood swings and odd behaviors from me. It is something I could not help since I didn't even notice what I was doing at any given moment. My mind was always some place else. I do admit that my appetite changes, but I don't see how that is a big deal. Food still and will always be on the top of my love list.

Yuri persisted in asking me what the matter was. I was unsure whether to tell them or not. What would their reaction be? What would Jesus do? It all seemed awkward to me.

I'd ask them why they were asking me certain questions like 'was I alright' or 'was I sick' and every time they say "You're acting weird." "Weird how?" I'd ask, but I wouldn't listen to what they'd say next. I don't know why I do that. "Blah, blah, blah, blah, are you okay?"

"I'm just.. tired," Which wasn't a lie. They'd shrug it all off. I really hated when everyone kept asking me these questions. I mean, I was relieved that they were concerned and all, but my efforts of trying to forget any of It ever happened was failing and it was making me miserable. It made me more upset that I was too afraid to tell any of them, especially Kai and Yuri. They were always attempting to find out what mess I got myself into this time. I wouldn't-- couldn't-- budge.

Last week, Yuri cooked an entire meal for the three of us and I couldn't eat a bite. Everything had looked delicious , but I hadn't the appetite to eat any of it and I truly felt horrible. I kept apologizing and promised to make it up by.. Well, I didn't know how to make it up to him and Yuri was extremely mad at me at this point and I couldn't take it. My head felt like someone was exerting pressure on it.

I dozed off into a conversation with myself. About how society has viewed guys as the dominant sex. So telling someone that It happened to me might be taken as a joke when the words flow out of my mouth. I highly think that this is unfair. For instance, when you think about the word rape most people will think about a girl who was forced to have sexual intercourse by a guy. But who says that it can't be vise versa? And of course either sex can rape someone of the same sex. But are people more likely to believe what the female has to say because they are the most common victims in a rape case? Who's to say that some of them aren't lying? Over the past ten years, cases of Fake Rape have increased by 16. Many of the lying 'victims' have accused their 'rapist' and have descriptions of how they looked like. It's disgusting really what people will do to get attention even if it's just for a while. In the meantime, innocent people could be serving time for something they had not done.

Silent knockings echoed in my ears in the midst of my daydream. It took a while to realize a faint voice calling my name. It didn't feel real, but I soon recognized the voice to be Kai's. I looked at the sea of crumpled papers around me. Letting him in would be a mistake -- I was afraid he'd pick one of the rejects and read it.

I decided to get the door, but not let him In for whatever reason he wanted to. As I reached for the door I heard his voice muttering to someone else with no response back. I opened the door dubious of what to do if he forced himself in. I soon realized that that wasn't a problem .

Instead, Kai shoved a phone in my face as soon as I cracked the door open.

"It's for you. Hiromi's on the other line."

"Oh. Um, okay," I stammered. He cocked a brow at me as I received the phone from his hands. "Drop the phone at my place later." He then left me to talk in private with Hiromi. I wish I could tell him.

It felt awfully weird talking to Hiromi. She kept babbling about how she was planning to come and visit me with Kyoujuu and how we could all go to a concert and shop, shop, shop.. For her. It seemed she hadn't changed a bit. Even though I wasn't planning to do anything Hiromi was planning, I wasn't going to be a kill-joy so I laughed lightly and agreed to whatever she said.

It was good to talk about something that didn't mention me in it, but of course, that did not last long.

"Takao-kun!! You're not paying attention!," she howled.

"..What?"

"Takao, I'm going over there to find out what the heck's the matter with you. You haven't replied to neither Kyoujuu's nor my phone calls and e-mails. And we've been worried about you!

"I-I don't care!! There's nothing to worry about, Hiromi. I'm fine," I choked on the last sentenced still hoping she would buy it. Part of me wanted this conversation to cease and I thought I was kidding myself when I did because I very well wanted Hiromi to know. I thought she would be smart enough to know it without me having to tell her. I could hear her losing patience with me on the other line. She let out a _humph_. I kept to myself.

"Look Takao, I haven't a clue what's going on, but you know you could always talk to me. I don't care if you did the worst or stupidest thing in the world. I just want you to know I'm here to listen and help, okay? We're really are worried about you." Silence stole our conversation for a while and my head was getting fogged up. I wasn't capable of absorbing what she was telling me anymore. I did not understand. She might as well be talking in French.

"The guys have been telling me that you're not eating well enough. That you haven't been getting much sleep either."

I honestly hadn't noticed.

"I know you don't want to hear this crap from me, but I'd just like to let you know I'm--

"Here for me? Here to understand?," I suddenly cut her off.

"Well, yes."

I said nothing.

She said nothing. It was like that for some time.

Why had this conversation taken this course? It infuriated me having to remember and I secretly loved where the discussion was going. My throat was burning and it was hard to swallow.

"I don't think you can," I managed to squeak out. And I regretted those words as soon as they came out. She had me. Now she knew something was completely out of balance. I felt myself full of apprehension and satisfaction.

"Something really is bugging you. Would you stop hiding it!? Stop hitting yourself with a hammer already!"

Blah blah, blah blah blah blah, blah.

I didn't like her tone. It'd be easier if life came with a script or a manual of some kind. I'd be able to dodge so many things. How unfortunate for me. Life is filled with so many 'What If's' and 'Why's' that if you thought about everything like that you really could go crazy; always going in circles. I think it's what's happening now. I'm going crazy from questions I'm asking myself if I'm not crazy already. My chest is hurting.

"T-Takao? You okay?"

I didn't know what she was talking about until I tried to respond back to her. My chest hurt even more and I felt overwhelmed with anxiety. I didn't want to talk to Hiromi anymore. I didn't want to explain. I didn't want to face more problems. It frightened me, so I hung up on her while she was in the middle of a sentence.

I really could care less at the moment.

I decided to head over to Kai's to return the phone. I wanted to make it clear that I'd refuse any phone calls from anyone.

"Oh. Okay, that's fine." He looked at me intently. I hoped I was wearing my poker face. Sometimes I was afraid that Kai was able to read my mind. I don't think I'd like that very much.

"Well," I started, "I'm going to go back and rest. See yo--"

"It's six P.M.," he stated. Maybe it was, but what did he care? And then it struck me. _Did _he care? About _me_? The thought exulted me so much that I could hear the pounding of heart in my ears, my heart overwhelmed in my chest and the blood rushing to head. It felt.. Nice. I hadn't a clue why such a reaction occurred to me.

"I'm tired," I finally responded absentmindedly. Yet another awkward silence, more awkward for me than him. Not wanting to discomfit myself any longer, I turned around to head to my room. _Stop me_, I begged him in my thoughts. _Invite me over. _I worked hard to walk at an evenly slow pace. I think he knew. _Call my name. Say something!!_ I was getting impatient

"_Kai!" _I heard Yuri rambling nonsense in the background . He sounded dangerous what with all the commotion in the apartment about wanting to find his kitchen knife. I thought he wanted to use it on me. Maybe it was best to stop by another time of day. Again, I heard Yuri shouting out incoherent words which I supposed was Russian. I think he asked who was at the door since Kai muttered back my name.

It was hard fighting back the tears and a pang of hatred and confusion struck me until he finally said,

"Wanna come inside?," imperturbably. I could still hear Yuri rambling. It sounded a bit dangerous to enter their apartment at the moment, but I didn't give two dog biscuits.


	2. Chapter 2

  


Chapter 2

"So how do I do normal?

The smile I fake, the permanent wave of

Cue cards and fix it kits.

Can't you tell? I'm not myself.

I'm a slow motion accident

lost in coffee rings and finger prints.

I don't wanna feel anything,

but I do and it. And it all comes back to you."

-Frou Frou

_Hear Me Out _

Disclaimer: I do not own Beyblade or its characters.

He is, in actual fact, beautiful.

His words are faint and full of flaws.

In truth, he hesitates the lyrics;

It forms, bites and barely reaches sound.

And when he speaks he remains holding breath,

Unsure if the world will do him mercy.

Seconds pass and I count the minutes

When silence stole our conversation,

And the obscurities swallowed the ground.

-CapriciousRogue

I did not expect Yuri to be excited to see me, nor did I expect him to make me a special meal. He warned me beforehand not to enter the kitchen or else I'd starve for the day. I had forgotten what the atmosphere felt like with the two of them around, but I wouldn't have thought it would be as tensed as it was. I forgot how to be normal and every smile felt forced and on cue. Have they noticed? Are they playing dumb? What are they thinking? I felt out of place.

Kai strode into the living room, clicking a remote that automatically brought up soft music. Sound of piano seeped into the room. He went to lay on the couch behind me. I paid no attention and concentrated on how the notes would crescendo, slowly pulling me into a trance through its dynamics. The air felt at ease and it felt like a must to close my eyes and gently sway to the rhythm. My body was not under my control, yet it felt subtle. Had I noticed myself moving the way I was, I would have stopped. But I didn't. The tune suddenly got much quieter, as though it were whispering and then, eventually, it ended. There came a feeling where I felt noticed and I abruptly turned around fully aware that Kai was watching me.

I sensed my ears and face turn warmer, but I hadn't a clue why it bothered me so much to be seen by Kai. It wasn't the first time where I had embarrassed myself publicly. And it never really had bothered me much before, so why now?

Yuri's footsteps made itself heard when arriving in the living room. He wore a stern face.

"Kai! You know those song makes me tired!! Do you _want _me to set the place up in flames?" Yuri flung his giant spoon this way and that at Kai. I didn't understand why he was getting so upset, and I was angered by the way he yelled at Kai. I tried to show my anger and disapproval towards Yuri with facial expressions, but he somehow thought I was agreeing with him.

"See!?" He pointed at me, "Even Takao's mad! It's the damn music, Kai. If you just had better tastes we'd all be happy people. You can't expect us to live in your perfect world, damnit." With that said Yuri happily left to tend the meal and I watched him from the living floor. Everything, besides the occasional clanging of pots and who knows what else, was left quiet between me and Kai. Things between him and I have drastically changed. It seemed like we had both taken large steps away from each other. All communication was lost and everything linking us somehow got distorted in such a short amount of time. I started to panic and it didn't help that he was staring at me. My eyes jumped from one object to another, hoping I might find something to talk about. My attempt to distract myself was flawed.

I saw Kai coming my direction out of the corner on my eyes. He sat next to me on the ground and remained silent trying to figure out what I was looking at.

"What's going with you?" He spoke coolly.

"Oh, nothing special.." I was unsure of how to answer. His expression, full of anger and confusion, left me to question myself. Was he expecting a different response?

"Why do you do that?" he asked firmly.

"Do what?" I responded hesitantly. He stayed quiet, jaw slightly dropped. I think he was trying to think of the right words to use. This appeared odd to me since Kai always was always straight forward in what to say.

He turned to face me, slowly articulating, "You're a bad liar, Kinomiya-bozu." And I was horrified of the honorifics he'd use. He expected my reaction and seemed unbothered by it. It boggled my mind as to why he had said that and more importantly, what I had to say to that. Were our steps that big?

"..Why?" I muttered dubiously.

"Why do you lie?" he retorted, wearing a smug smile. It was beautiful.

"Wha- no, I mean, why did you call me that?? No wait, why am I a liar now?" I asked, bewildered. What had I done now?

Kai stood up and straightened himself. I got up along with him, following him to the dining room. He would not wait for me and I felt desperate for answers. I grabbed his arm to get his attention.

"Kai." I pleaded. "Why?"

He stood there, his back faced towards me. I had obviously done something wrong and yet I am unaware of the damage. "Maybe," he started. "..Maybe I'm unsure if I know you anymore." He dared not look at me and left towards the kitchen as Yuri ushered him to taste the food.

I must have been blind to not see this coming. Or maybe I just refused to look out of my box.

I went to sit back on the couch. I heard Yuri laughing gaily, questioning Kai on the quality of his food. They seemed to be enjoying themselves and I couldn't help but feel a bit desirous. Although I was told not to enter the kitchen, I decided to sneak a peak. It wasn't like I was actually going into the kitchen, so I didn't feel as though I was doing something forbidden. But what looked me in the face took me by surprise more than anything I could have imagined.

I hadn't noticed the clues where it would end up this way. I was overwhelmed with guilt and frustration. Tormented by jealousy and betrayal. Had I been this dense? So dense that I couldn't even figure out that my two friends were in a relationship? I stood there behind the door, unseen by either, staring at their event. I did not know why I couldn't stop watching and still I couldn't comprehend what was going on. Most likely I was in denial. Every part of me was bruised and I couldn't keep steady. Why hadn't they told me?

I carefully took a step back and went to slump on the couch again. Everything, my entire world, seemed so miserable and out of balance. I should be happy for them. I don't even know what to expect of myself under this condition. How long.. has this relationship been going? It struck me then that this could mean that their affairs could have been more than just a peck on the mouth. This thought disturbed my way of thinking. Would it have made any difference if they told me about them anyway? Even when I thought about, nothing would have changed the fact that I would always be secretly envious of their relationship. This feeling made no sense. It had no sense. Envy does not have any sense. That's why it makes you go crazy for what you want. I didn't want to be that.

Both of them arrived to where I was sitting. I was too embarrassed to look at them. They placed plates, cups and utensils on the coffee table in front of me. The room smelled of the cuisine and I must admit, it looked pretty tasty. But after seeing their event, all appetite was lost.

My fork poked the chicken constantly and I stared at everyone's plate that were nearly done. I nibbled on a piece and ate most of the rice. Some specks fell on the table and got all over me.

"Your table manners are disgusting, Takao," Yuri pointed. I had not taken the time to care or notice. I shrugged it off and continued playing and nibbling my food.

"Does my food taste bad? Oh shit, did I put too much sauce?"

"No Yuri, it's fine. I'm just not really hungry. The chicken is great!" I assured him. It really was, but I tried to sound a bit enthusiastic in case my truth did not satisfy him. He dismissed his concern for the meal and instead started a topic about me. I had the gut feeling this would turn out bad.

"It's been a while since you showed your face around here, Takao," he pouted teasingly. "So tell me, what's new? Any fine dates lately?" He winked letting out a chuckle. I didn't understand what was so funny.

"No, nothing's really going on." I said thoughtfully. I looked at both of them for a quick second, wondering if they were going to tell me about them. I decided to try and turn the table and find out for myself.

"How about you guys? You dating anyone?" I stared at Kai and he caught my eyes. Good. He looked at Yuri unsure of how to answer. This aggravated me to no extent. I had the urge to smack the back of their heads, but I restrained myself.

"Well, actually.." Yuri beamed at me. I immediately perked up, interested in every word he had to tell me.

"I'm dating someone at the moment--

"Do I know the person?" I interrupted innocently. Boy did I catch him off guard.

"..You might." He said still smiling.

"Is she pretty?" I had him now. There was no way he could possibly escape from telling me the truth. I knew already, but I wanted to hear it from him. I wanted him to confirm it. I wanted to be angry at him. At both of them.

"Sure."

..What did he say? Had I not seen them kissing in the kitchen? Was I hallucinating? I saw what I saw. It happened. They were not going to lie to me about this anymore.

"Really?" I spat out dryly. Kai stood up and immediately excused himself. Had he sensed what was coming? Ha! If that's the case then why not let them stand on thin ice for a while?

"Yes, real-

I slammed my hands on the table. I felt stupid already for not knowing what was going on between them. I'm not going to let myself feel any more clueless by playing along with their game.

"U-um, what's wrong Takao?"

"I'm glad you asked, Yuri. What's _wrong _is that you guys are _lying._" I felt my temper rise as they looked at each other as though they hadn't a clue what was going on. I've had enough. I stood and walked towards the door preparing to leave.

"I already _know_!! So it's _fine_. You don't _have _to tell me when you go guys decide to have a _relationship_, but you could _at least _be honest when I fucking _ask _you!!"

I dismissed myself, stomping off like a child would. They did not stop me like I thought they would. Why I started crying, I couldn't even explain it myself. So many "Why's." Too many to understand.

Why do I care if their dating? Why am I so angry? Why did they hide it from me? Why did they lie to me? Why can't I be happy? Why did I act the way I did?

..Why?.. Why doesn't he love me? Why wasn't it _me_?

I love him.. Was it so demanding to realize?


End file.
